avaonthestreets

Does everyone want to bone, well, me?
Yes I know how that sounds. And it's a crude and unduely showy way to begin a nag I have in the back of my head. and that is this: does every male that gives me advice or treats me extra nice, secretly pining to fuck? I feel sceptical of them all, maybe because I was once skeptical of none of them, and got into some trouble. Scot free, but my oh my how I blame them for having some superior wisdom about the situations I was in with them, that they chose to ignore, they chose to allow me to suffer for a quick and yielding lay. They seemingly have this knowledge that I never suspect. I just think they liek me, but I use an uncompromising feeling of Appeal, as a weapon. I sit just right, I say it just right so they know that I accept their invitation in casual and unspoken conversation. But I just don't want to be left alone and That is the reason, I think, I don't say no. I didn't know I could. Liek a friend without 'a relationship' is somehow less of a friend.
There are many shades and, absolutes, blacks and whites, I am realizing they make me anxious, and the extent to which I have employed them like a heartless office worker. OKay, another one has begun. I know many office workers. Working behind enemy lines and feeding off its wages...sycophantic and insanely commonly and ready and readible to get one? I looked at receptionist positions the other day, and I try to remind myself to relax my shoulders when I am sitting in front of a screen.

I'm bored as fuck. It's a god damn good thinG NO ONE READS THIS.
A poem.
I think the world is a triffle and you are a truffle and everything else is liek candy cotton-floss. Not IT, exactly, just liek it sometimes

My bedroom smells like an ashtray. I think it snuck up on me. I was painting my walls today, and I'm frusterated at my hands. And I thought I could write to help me along, but I just don't like any planning. and I've no patience today. So I'm writing garbage that's all over my wall now, and there is a purple leaf or a scribbled person like the kind I'd draw when I could barely hold a pencil, behind my door that shouldn't be used, I don't think. That's passive, isn't it. I've been in my house for two full days. I don't think I've been outside for more than ten minutes in two days. I hate winters. I hate darkness. I hate rain. I'm beginning to hate my room, becasue I don't want to leave it. I'm bored, and I keep sleeping in and missing all my classes. If I'm tired now, I just see no reason to roll myself from my bed.
This entry is pointless isn't it.
Like I said, I'm playing on the computer.
And I guess its because of this wall of a sort inside me, that built itself up really quickly. A red brick apathy.
And a fog over it where Humpty Dumpty would sit, except now he's just watching movies all day. And I feel tired, and not hungry, and like I want another ashtray because my Auntie gave me a stone angel that holds a candle at the front, and I'm ashing there.

This is pointless. pointless and unexciting.

I had a few really great nights. We were brother and sister teasing and feigning all night at work.
But we were best friends who knew each other's secrets.
We were married and brushing our teeth toghether.
and when i heard you sing i knew you were touched by things i cannot see and i knew you would let me touch you and tell you how great you are after you'd finished your set and were at the bar. I knew you saw everything I did too.
you knew how much coffee I drank at work the other day and I knew you were looking.

And can you beelive it? We had the talk I always wanted to have. Was honest and I was objective. And we had a happy new year and we had a fun next day and night
and now i'm here.
and I want to say But to start it off.
becasue my roomates say to stay away, so does my aunt, so does everyone.
But you said that somethign that cannot be forgotten. And I think it too, and maybe in a few years...
all I know is that no one understands us. No one understands how I feel about you. I don't understand it.
Maybe we are entwinded.
I just wanted to tell you I want to be free
so I am and will continue to be
I just wanted to tell you too there's no one else, it's you.

I WONDER WHAT MY NECK WOULD LOOK LIKE IF I WAS A DINOSAUR. A STEGASOROUS OR A FASHION MODEL. I HEARD BILLY TALENT ON THE RADIO THE OTHER DAY, AND I LIKE IT. I THINK I'LL LOOK INTO HIM.
I START WORK TOMMOROW (HOW THE FUCK DO YOU SPELL THAT WORD? )
I'M FEELING RATHER DULL, AS THIS ENTRY REVEALS. I CAN SMELL MY MUM'S CROCKPOT CREATION, AND I'M FEELING RATHER DULL. AND A BIT UNDER THE WEATHER. I WISH TIME WASN'T SLIPPING AWAY AND THAT I COULD HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE MY AGE AND OUTSIDE OF MY HEREDITARY AFFLICTIONS. I WISH THERE WAS MORE TIME BC I CAN'T MOVE AND IT'S SLIPPING AWAY.
AND TOMOROW I HAVE TO WORK AND TOMOROW I HAVE TO SEEM LIKE I'M ON, ANYWAYS, AND BUST OUT OF THIS CARTOON TV MOVIE.
I WISH THE INTERNET IN THE COUNTRY WASN'T SO FINICKY. AND I WISH I HAD LESS ENERGY BC I SPENT IT ALL , NOT BC I'M SITTING ON IT.

PATTERNS:
EVERY DAY AT 12 NOON A YELLOW SCHOOL BUS PARKS IN THE TURN-AROUND OUTSIDE MY MUM'S HOUSE AND WAITS FOR A FEW MINUTES. THEN ANOTHER BUS COMES AND PARKS BESIDE IT. THEY STAND OUTSIDE AND COLD-HOP, WHILE THE FIRST GUY SMOKES AND THE SECOND LADY BENDS A GOOD HALF 90 DEGREES OVER HER FRAME TO SEE HER FEET. THERE IS NOTHING. I JUST DON'T THINK I'LL UNDERSTAND THIS LIFESTYLE THIS TRIP. IT FEELS LIKE EVERYONE'S JUST KILLING TIME AND TALKING ABOUT ALL THE SPECIFICS. VERY MECHANICAL IN BOTH WAYS. AND ANGRY.
MY MUM WAKES ME UP TODAY TO TELL MY SHE'S LEAVING IN A HALF HOUR. SHE TOLD ME LAST NIGHT, AND AFTER SHE WOKE ME UP LAST NIGHT TOO. THEN SHE YELLED UP TO BORROW MY BOOTS (2 SIZES TOO LARGE FOR HER) AND WHEN I SAID NO, SHE RAVED AND THREATED HER ONLY VIALBLE THREAT: NO CAR. (OKAY, I'M THINKING, YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT AND I CAN GET IT OUT ANYWAYS, AND HEY: I DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE. SO I KNEW IT'D BE ISOLATED AND LONELY AND BORING. NO CAR MEANS LITTLE TO ME.) ANYWAYS, I SPENT MORE MONEY THAN I HAVE ON THOSE BOOTS, WHICH ARE A BIT TOO SMALL ALBEIT, AND BESIDES I RESENT HER TOO MUCH TO INDULGE HER WHIMPS AND YELL BACK DOWN THE STAIRS I'M SORRY OKAY FINE YOU CAN HAVE THEM. OKAY, I DID DO THIS AND MAKE UP AN EXCUSE THAT I WANTED TO WEAR THEM MYSELF, BUT FUCK HER, YES?
i MEAN, I WAS GOING TO THE DOCTOR'S YESTERDAY, AND I WAS NERVOUS, AND SHE JUST TOLD ME I WAS DUMB FOR EVEN HAVING TO GO. THEN SHE CALLS ME AND IS MAD AT ME FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO BABYSIT HER FRIEND'S KIDS BC I'M AT THE DOCTOR. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO THIS. I WAS NOT AWARE THAT MY INHERENT RESPONSIBILITIES THE MINUTE I COME TO HER HOUSE ARE TO PASS UP MY HEALTH, AND INCREASE MY ANXIETY IN DOING THIS, AND DO FAVOURS FOR HER (BC I KNOW IF I EXPLAINED THE SITUATION TO HER FRIEND, EVERYTHING WOULD BE FINE. SHE'S EVERY UNDERSTANDING)
nOW, i LOVE THOSE KIDS, REALLY I'VE GROWN UP WITH THEM AND I DIDN'T MIND IN THE LEAST MINDING THEM. bUT, I DON'T APPRECIATE BEING YELLED AT BY MY MUM FOR SKIRTING RESPONSIBILITIES I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD. eSPECIALLY WHEN I'M TRYING TO GET THINGS TOGETHER BY GOING TO THIS APPOINTMENT I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO, BUT HAD TO.
sO SHE LEAVES THE HOUSE SCREAMING HOW SELFISH I AM THIS MORNING.i'VE BEEN HERE TWO DAYS AND THIS PLACE, WELL, SHE, IS WEARING ME DOWN. i REMEMBER WHY I HATE IT HERE. aND I WONDER HOW I GOT THROUGHT HIGH SCHOOL. AND LAST WINTER.

ANOTHER POINT:
THE GUY I USED TO DATE WAS ONE OF THE ONLY PPL I PUT STOCK IN HERE (I WAS DROWNING IN ASSHOLES), AND SO NOW BEING BACK HERE AND HAVING NO FUCKING IDEA WHERE HIM AND I STAND IS JUST TOO MUCH WHEN I'M BORED AT NIGHT. SO I CALLED HIM YESTERDAY AFTER THE APPNT WHILE I WAS DRIVING TO GET GROCERIES, AND AFTER SKIRTEING THE ISSUE ASKED HIM IF HE WANTED TO HANG OUT THAT NIGHT. (AND THAT WAS FINE BC WE PLANNED TO SEE EACH OTHER WHEN I GOT BCAK AND I WAS TO CALL HIM, WE PLANNED, I THOUGHT...) HE SAID HE WAS ABOUT TO CALL SOME PPL BUT MAYBE HE'D GIVE ME A CALL LATER? UHM NO. I DON'T WANT TO BE SECOND STRING OR HANGOUT WITH YOU'RE FRINDS WHO ALL HATE ME BY NOW AND BESIDES, I THINK WE NEED TO TALK (AND THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN IN CAPS, IF I WASN'T ALREADY) I SAID NO TO HIM EVEN THOUGH I'M ACHING TO SEE HIM. (I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE IF IT'S BC I'M LONELY HERE, OR IF IT'S BC I WANT TO GET THE 'HIM' SITUATION SQUARED AWAY FINALLY, ESPECIALLY SINCE I'M IN TJIS CITY AND I NEED TO BE ABLE TO COME HERE TO SEE (THE REST, ANYWAY) OF MY FAMILY WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT HIM.)
IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY THAT WE'RE SO CLOSE.
IT'S EASY TO FORGET HIM IN MONTREAL BC I'M DOING MY STUFF, BUT HERE IT'S LIKE MY STUFF IS INTRINSICALY LINKED WITH HIM. BUT,I SAID NO, THAT'S OKAY. "I DON'T REALLY WANT TO BE YOUR BACKUP PLAN, SO CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE NOT BUSY." THEN I SAID GOODBYE. I WAS DISAPPOINTED, BUT PROUD OF MYSELF.
bUT
LATER ON, I CRACKED. I WATCHED SAPPY TV AND CALLED HIM, TWICE. LUCKILY NO ONE ANSWERED. AND LUCKILY THEY DON'T HAVE CALLER ID. BUT I AM GOING TO CALL HIM TONIGHT BC I DO NEED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM, AND THAT MEANS SEEING HIM AND GAUGING HIS COLDNESS ONCE AND FOR ALL.
THEN, MAYBE, I'LL HAVE SOMETHING INTRESTING TO WRITE ABOUT.
gOODNIGHT

i CAN'T BELEIVE IT.
oVER A YEAR ON HIM AND NOW HE'S AS GONE AS MY UNBORN CHILDREN AND THE HALLWAYS OF MY HIGH SCHOOL. AS FORGOTTNE AS THE ANXIETY OF HEARING MUM SCREMA PROFANITIES OVER THE WOOD STOVE. AND I'M MAD AT HIM FOR DESERTING ME, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER AND MORE ALONE. BUT I'M HERE. I'M IN IT AND I KNOW IT AND I'M OKAY WIHT IT. I'M FUCKING UP (ALOT) BUT I'M IN THIS AND I'M HERE today. I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL DIE OF SOME CHRONIC DISEASE TOMOROW, OR GET HIT BY A CAR LIEK I ALMOST DID TONIGHT (TWICE). BUT I'M HERE NOW AND FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYOINE AND ALL THE SCHEDULES I HAD TO ADHEAR TO. I'LL BE TIRED TOMOROW, WITH MY ROTTEN LIVER AND BELLY FULL OF CHIPS - BUT I'LL GET UP BC MY FAMILY IS COMING TO BRING ME HOME FOR THE HALF OF DECEMBER BC WE'RE HAVING CHRISTMAS. i MADE IT THESE LAST 10 NIGHTS OUT EVERY NIGHT, BUT NO MORE SMOKING AND MORE ART AND LESS DRINKING. BC I WANT TO DO MORE THAN STRING ALONG SAYING THINGS I DON'T BELEIVE IN ANDEMBELLISHIGN STORIES.

BUT MY LOVE, I AM DOING IT AND I M DOING IT AND I AM DOING IT AND I AM DOING THIS ALONE AND FUCK HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE I AM FREE.

This week I feel lonely. It's been raining for days and it's gotten me thinkning I just want to stay in and cuddle. Watch movies and cuddle, read books and pet his arm. I feel like I could start crying at the least provocation. I feel like I want to sleep until I wake up, I feel I want to sit quietly with him tonight.
I think I forgot that I don't have to do anything I don't want to. I remebered twice today. But I feel like no matter how much I anticipate and feel anxious about it, Montreal is still happening. All the time it's on the other side of my window, and it's a step out my door. But htis week I wanted nothing more than to let it be and let me be under a blanket watching movies, or making dinner with jazz in the background and seeing what happens in the night. Going outside and looking around at it all. Then waking up and stretching in the sun.
But tonight I'm staying in and reading about Marcel Duchamp. Research.

A Poem.

I want to collect street names, magazine ads, event flyers, drink tickets, your face, pieces of clothing and spools of thread.
I want to collect thoughts on walls, textbooks, candle stubs, used condoms, used clothing and tac them up by the caramel left in the corners of that box of chocolate I
bought me yesterday.

I am having a baby.

I want to collect dolls off the street, their languages, and the two shoes and rain boots I found in the closet when I was cleaning the apartment today.
I want to collect the ants around the garbage, I want to collect the leftover fruit in the corners of my fridge, I want to collect the curls in the corners of the bathroom, the soiled shorts, the pages on the floor, clothes and pieces of them and clothes and peices of them all clothes and clothes.
I want to paint my apartment because baby is coming.